Under Pressure

Great Queen song....great sampling by Vanilla Ice so that we can make fun of it today "stop...collaborate and listen...." ..but it's also just an accurate description of my life right now...

I made a drastic realization this week... I'm not super man.  and some days I just can't @$%#ing take it.  I can be weak.  But that's actually not the realization part....I've felt and thought a lot of those things before...but...I always handled it...I was stronger than my weakness.  I was more willing than my feeling that I can't take it.  I was even more super than superman.

The realization this week was....it's ok.  It's...O...K.   It really is...even though I'm understandably stressed out at home and work, mentally exhausted, stretched thin, eating more crap, getting more overweight,  exercising less, getting less healthy, being less patient with the kids, cranky, etc, etc, etc I don't have to pretend that I'm OK and nothing is wrong and it's just a bad day, etc, etc.

No...I can't pretend that.  A lot of things right now are shitty....really shitty...some days really suck hard...I feel like crap and that is bleeding into the rest of my life.

The interesting part..is that it took sitting down and talking to someone else who is going through a lot more than me to help me understand that.    It was humbling.  I never say it out loud but I've felt it and implied it before where someone was complaining about something that to me was not as bad as what I was going through and I thought to myself "you ..have..no ..clue....piss off" ...   That's horrible.

But sitting down yesterday with my mother who is dealing with a recent diagnosis of cancer ( see..a lot worse than what I'm going through ) she helped me talk it through and helped me realize that yes "it's understandable that you're stressed out...and it's OK"

This conversation was on the heels of my annual physical where for the first time my blood pressure was high. At first I chuckled "of course it is..." ..but then realizing what it meant and talking afterwards to my very beautiful personal nurse, the urgency of the matter set in.

So...I remembered that taking care of others is useless and frustrating if I forget to take care of my self.  When will I learn?

Well...hopefully starting again today...from the beginning.. up at 5am to hit the gym at 5:30...and then I remembered what taking care of yourself felt like...felt great.

I used to have this horrible (to me) reoccurring nightmare when I was between the ages of 6-12... I would start a task....an arduous task ( for a 6-12 year old )..like either walking a long distance...or writing a big test at school...or building a fort....it would take a long time...it would take a lot of work...but I knew I would get it done....I would be but a single step away from finishing and then I would blink my eyes and I would be back at the start again...my work erased..... and that feeling....that...feeling was horrible....it haunted me from when  I would wake up until I would go asleep again praying I would not have the dream again...

I think I was preparing myself for adulthood.  Sometimes you work so hard....you feel like you've accomplished a lot...you're almost happy and then real life rips it from your hands and you're back to square one.  It's tough.  But it's life.

There are a lot of things I'm really good at and it has been easy to work hard towards those goals.  I know there will be success.

But I think sometimes there are things that I want to do, things I want to change but when I think about them I convince myself not to try.  Why?  Because I'm probably just going to get to the end and then be sent back to the beginning having failed.   So why bother.

Ouch...that's a horrible underlying mentality.  Therapy much?

I'm not going to be dramatic and say "I've changed!" or.."I"m NEVER going to think that way again"  ( My mother always says Never say never and she's right ...you just set yourself up for failure ) ....

I'm just going to try...and I'm OK with that.

Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure
Under pressure


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