he died...
It's been a long time since I've
delved into the world of written thought.
Sometimes breaks are good. It's
like when I don't play an instrument for a long time and then start again I
find something new. Well it's been an
interesting Christmas. It was the first
Christmas without dad. I write those
words and feel sad. It is written. I miss him so much, it’s weird...like mom
said we spent a lot of our time here w/o dad really there or involved. He wasn't a huge part of everyday life! But he was though. And I miss all those
little things. I'm glad that I got
closer to him before he died. I have to
tell myself over and over that the day at Palliative care when he was really
out of it on the morphine and I told him how much I loved him and how proud I was
to be his son the he heard me. I know he
did though in my heart. He shines on me
when I need him. So many times the sun
has talked to me. It's dad saying
'everything's ok!" The day at the
hospital, the day of his funeral, the month after he died. I want to tell about these things for if
anyone ever reads this page I want them to know these signs that I
received.
One
day late September...actually no...it was oct30th...I was at the hospital for
the afternoon spending time with dad and mom.
Dad was pretty bad this day...He was dopey and frustrated and he was
trying to take the IV out and it was really hard to watch. Mom left for a cigarette and told me to just
let him know I was there. So I sat there
beside his bed, put my hand on his arm and squeezed. His bottom lip stuck out and quivered like he
was going to/trying not to cry! All I
could think was he was sitting there in his drugged state knowing exactly what
was going on but not able to communicate it to me thinking "here I am so
helpless, my son comforting me". I
feel like he thought he was low. I felt
sad. All I wanted was my dad to be back. When mom came back I went out for a cig and
was half crying. I stood there outside
the hospital under a grey sky with a hint of frost and invisible hail in the
air. I wanted my father back the way he
was before. I prayed to God saying that
all I wanted was to see my father again.
I wanted to hear his laugh as much as I want to hear it right now. I prayed so hard and when I was done the grey
sky broke and an immense beam of sunlight came down and warmed me. I thought it coincidental at first but then I
felt it. I felt God answering me and
saying Ok...you will. I smiled.
A
week and 2 days went by and I was told my father was in the first stages of
death. It hurt. It was terrifying. My friends held me up. The day after the beautiful benefit such real
words entered my head. Death! The next day I went to Palliative care to see
dad and he looked really bad. No
response barely. Couldn’t' walk on his
own. It was the day I told him the
things I always wanted to tell him but couldn’t' get the courage to tell him
before. It was the day that he was moved
up on his bed by the nurses and I'll never ever forget the look of terror and
pain on my father's face. I thought he
might die right then. I wanted to take
his pain away so much. That look stayed
painted on his face like cut in stone for it seemed forever. Then the drugs kicked in and he felt nothing,
or so it seemed. What were that man's
thoughts then? I wish I knew. I wish I could have made them better
thoughts. Another day went by with
little change in his pain but he was a little more responsive and I said the
same things to him again. He just said
'Thank you" and told me that he appreciated it. It was really sweet. The next day I went in with mom and Tracey
and there he was, sitting at the table eating lunch and chatting away. Awake and alert as can be. DAD!!
It was him and he was laughing and smiling and talking like Dad used to
talk. My prayers were answered. He even gave mom a kiss on the lips that was
genuine and not playful…something I’d never seen before. I was in shock. I didn’t know what to say or do. I just sat there and enjoyed. I was so happy.
A little while later it was just
Tracey and I and Dad in the Kitchen of Palliative Care. He was talking away and he mentioned
something about his guardian angel.
Tracey and I just looked at each other.
It was really nice but strange to hear that from our father. Later dad said to me that he woke up today
and looked outside and realized where he was.
And he thought to himself that he could just 'park his bones and die' or
he could wake up! Wake up and see his
family that loves him. Later when there
was about 10 or more people in his room (Carol, Lynn, Michelle, Dawn, Rob,
Sarah, Katelyn, Jesse, Tracey, Me and Frankie) he said that earlier that
morning he woke up and felt angry and scared.
he went into the kitchen and he said that something hit him b/w the
eyes...he looked to the left, to the right and even looked UP to see what he
bumped into but there was nothing there.
Next he said he saw a blue light glowing in front of his face. A nice warm light. It made a slow circle around his head and
then it shot off and he felt awoken. All his anger and fear left him and he felt at peace. It was on of the most beautiful thing I have
ever heard. I was so happy for him. My prayers had been answered. He received his last confession and the sacrament
of the sick that say from Father Brady. Three days later I was in Halifax for a UPEI
band trip.. the phone rang at my girlfriend’s house as we were making supper.
It was my mom. “Deryl something awful
has happened.. your dad died a little while ago”.
I slumped against
the fridge in shock though also the most real reality I've ever felt. Not being there, with everyone, when he died was horrific - nothing but my imagination and second hand stories to fill the
unfriendly gaps.
Father
I heard my mother
cry, when my father died
It’s a day I’ll
never know.
I was miles away,
ready to play,
The day I missed
the show.
So I cried and
cried, I found a ride,
Home was where I’d
go.
Home where my
father was no more
I thought I’d see
him once more.
So I closed my
eyes, I saw him smile,
As I kissed his
head and said I’d see you again.
I came through the
door, he’d be there I swore,
I hoped it was all
a dream.
But there was an
emptyness in this, a shrunken nest,
As tears from my
heart streamed.
I heard my
mother’s cry, I thought I would die,
and I would see my
father again.
But he’s still
here and the sun continue’s to shine.
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